Okay, so mmm.. I'm not a writer. I'm just writing my most personal thoughts and feelings. Why would I upload them on my blog ? Because maybe I'm not the only one feeling this way and reading other people going through hard times or changes makes you feel less alone. I don't know if it's a good idea because for you I'm Oatmeal Paris but for the next 2 minutes I'm just a human being living his life and questioning it :)
I’ve been thinking way too much these last few days. About life and how I have a clear idea of how my life should be .
This year I lost myself , I lost the person I was before I started my company . My goal today is to find this person again or maybe she’s gone...because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and become the person you’re meant to be.
It’s so easy to get lost in your job. To wake up in the morning, eat breakfast in 10 minutes and get ready to work until 10pm and then keep thinking about work until you wake up next morning. Because having your company is that kind of life. And it’s f***ing hard. Especially food service industry because you don’t make money but you work your ass off and it’s emotionally hard to work so many hours , sacrifice your entire life and not having the feeling you’ve succeed. I’m not saying money is the key to success but hey you still have to pay the bills, right ?
You can’t talk to anyone (cause yes you gave up on your life slash friends) but mostly because I have the feeling that no one really gets me. Sometimes I feel so lonely and misunderstood even when everyone around me is here. It’s a strange feeling, you hear every one tells you what you should do but you don’t really care cause you’re unique and no one else is living in your shoes so only you can make decisions .
Guys, if you could see inside my brain… I have so many questions !! Is it the kind of life I want? Is it worth it? Is it ok to go after the life you want or you’re just a dreamer who can’t see how life nowadays is messed up? Is it true that doing hard thing is rewarding? So should I continue? or is it my ego who’s taking the decision to keep going? Why should I continue to live in a world where I don’t fit? I’m I too sensitive?
And it goes on and on… It’s a real mess up there, trust me !
E.E. Cummings once wrote « To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting »
I’m a person who still believe in a life you create for yourself contrary to a person who is just fine with his situation and ask life nothing more cause he thinks it won’t get better . I’m not that kind of person . I’m a dreamer and I’m proud of being one 'cause it leads me to three awesome months in Hong Kong, to 7 magical months in New York and be surrounded by amazing/inspiring people. To build my company, Oatmeal Paris.
But I’m in a stage in my life we could call « confusion » I’m totally lost and try to find my way back in this crazy world we live in. Have you ever had that feeling you don’t belong in this world ? I have, my entire life and now when I look around and see how this world has become.. it scares the hell out of me because I’m afraid I won’t find my place anymore.
I know I’m sensitive about everything . Literally everything is making me sad or mad. I can’t believe how human beings are towards each other, how can someone be against LOVE #samesexmarriage . How they don’t care that words are powerful and can heart and in some case lead to suicide. #bullyingawareness . How ?? How terrorism have lead to racism against Muslim people. If they’re sitting next to light brown skins with bear people they’re gonna change sits because they’re scared? I’m not judging them at all but I think it’s sad. How people can be so mean about other people who don’t share their perspective?
Can we just try to do our best and stop judging people every opportunity we have to ? Life is hard so let’s try to be nice to each other even when we don’t share the same ideas . Perfection doesn’t exist so let’s stop reaching for it.
I guess I’m just scared of where we’re heading and how that will affect our lives and our children’s lives.
I have to find my happy place. A life I’m okay with. To be honest, right now I’m not okay with it . Being here in my apartment for days made me realized I sacrificed everything in my life to build my company . No more time to read, to have dinner with my husband, to go to restaurant, to go see a movie, to go out with my girlfriends, to go somewhere without watching the hour because I don’t have that much time in a day, to cook healthy lunch, to exercise, to take pictures, to go shopping, to do anything ! It may seems crazy and not true but it is. It’s like I left my body and I’m watching it live from above. And when you’re 24 it’s harsh ! Damn, even if you’re 60 or 80 ! We are human beings and our passions are a part of what makes us…us. It’s so important to take some time to see what life has to offer. Kids, nature, love… you know things that matter to you.
Oliver Wendell Holmes once said « Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live...Before they know it...time runs out »
I don’t want to be in my deathbed and say “I’ve accomplished beautiful things but I didn’t LIVE. I didn’t enjoy the simple things in life because I didn’t find time to do those things or I was to stressed about everything so I didn’t really appreciate the present moment.
Are you guys feeling the same or is it just me ?
Starting your own business or not, I think we're all asking ourselves the same questions, right ?
Henry James once wrote « Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact »